Elosiphy

Essence vs. Existance

2006-09-18T14:50:00.000-06:00

1. From being completely happy, I have tried to live a life of Essence.
2. This goal has been rocky and difficult and I currently seek the comfort of others and physical purpose to help me (existance).
3. Ultimately, I need to admit that my chaotic quest for essence is my choice and is therefor not worth agonizing over.

Random Fact of the day:
I and Katie found a bug in my room. Apparantly its a stink bug. We named it Burp which is short for my Burning Passion. This came about as we were talking about love and an arsinist had set the fire alarms off that night.

My Freshman year I discovered pure, 100% happiness. It was weird. It seemed my entire life had culmulated to a single point of happiness. I was being challenged, I was free from my parents and stress, I had my first girlfriend, and I had amazing friends.

So I was laying in my bed in complete happiness, which lasted for about 5 minutes, and then I asked myself. Ok. What now? I mean this is boring. Even though I am living a super happy life, I am missing something.

That one experience has led me on quite a journey for the last two years. I don't persue happiness. And the persuit of happiness is quite a little journey that I decided to skip out on.

So what has taken it's place. A persuit of Essence. (Essence is purpose and passion). And that's been hard. Real hard.

And the funny part about persuing this purpose is that its always changing. Just when you think you are on track, think its all figured out, that's when you start to take another turn in your life. And its frustrating. Real frustrating.

So I will live a life of ever changing essenence. Period. But I guess that's not neccessarily what I'm seeking. I'm seeking stability in this. I would like to know, no matter where my essence is that day, there is something I can rely on.

I've started depending more on friends. I justify my existance somedays through getting my homework done. As you can tell, there is a strong urge in me to find that stable girlfriend.

And the funny thing is, I'm not going to find that stability. As I've discovered recently, I persue chaos. My previous relationships have always ended when things were getting comfortable. I have 500+ friends but know none of them real well. My academics always seem pointless.

So I guess you are right. I'm seeking something I do not internally want. So I guess I am at a path on the road and can't choose. Do I want to change my essence to live a life of security, not persuing a greater purpose? Or do I want to change my existance to better help me persue my essence?

I've already decided essence as you can probably guess. I'm sure I will continue to complain about being lonely and living a life of extreme mystery. But I need to add one thing to the end of that. I choose to live that way.

Ugh The other side of Love (Part 2)

2006-09-13T23:29:00.000-06:00

Random insight: I am typing this blog next to a creek. A little white baby bunny came up and looked at me. I tried speaking rabbit to it, but apparently I offended it, and it ran away, but I am sure it is a sign.

1. Being attracted to someone brings us to a point of purpose.
2. With that purpose in mind, we get really, really frustrated when things don’t work and sad when the energy is not there.
3. Perhaps this is a weak purpose in general.

So I had my date to figure out when our dinner date was going to happen. And to save you from anxiety, I’m sad. The funny part is I’m sad not because we aren’t going to dinner, we are. I am sad because there wasn’t reciprocating energy. And believe you me, I think this is a pretty silly little thing to be sad about. I’m sad, because this girl does not define her life around eating dinner with me, as I seem to have been lately. Why am I frustrated on such a minute issue? Well as I’m still dwelling in this misery, I think I understand it. (It’s weird when you understand why you’re sad, puts you in a very strange position).

Remember last time how this crush of mine gave me purpose. Well, I believe it does, almost too much. Like a physical drug, I am addicted to the energy. A sense of near need is put into me to have that uplifting energy again. Now this is beautiful in the sense that I have a want, but on the other hand, its horrible.

First off, I can’t be myself around this said woman. I am just too caught up in trying to conserve and tap into the energy that my pure unwanting self disappears and leaves me with quite a mess.

In addition, I have to lie about who I am in the moment. No one wants an incredibly obsessive person in their life, so you have to hide it. And I don’t like not being me.

The most devastating part about this new “purpose” though is that I am not satisfied by the things I can’t control.

Here’s an easy example. Say your Purpose in life was to make the sky purple, which isn’t that bad of a purpose. That was it. Your happiness strictly dependeds on this. Your sense of self worth came from making the sky purple.

Your life would be horrible. You would be frustrated by the fact that you can’t do it. There’s nothing you can do. Now perhaps you can spray purple water in the clouds. But now your just taunting yourself, cause you want it all, and you are just always getting rejected by things you can’t control.

My “purpose” right now feels the same way. Oh no, this person doesn’t feel the same way I do All of a sudden my purpose to find that energy and grow is smacked down, hard core. And there is nothing I can do. So I am living a life without any success, and that’s not fun.

And thats how I feel right now. Circumstances are not in my favor, and that makes my purpose mute.

(Please note, this is exactly how I feel. Now how thinks logically will turn out are still up in the air, but the fact that there is a possibility my infinite energy will not grow is enough to devastate me.)

So I view this as a problem. Little things that are obstacles to my purpose make me sad. If said girl does not call me back or does not want to hang out with me, I will be devastated. My entire life will feel wasted because of the death of a potential relationship. Do you see the problem here? I do.

Purpose needs to be more than this. As an existentialist, I thoroughly believe that purpose needs to be self fulfilling ALWAYS. Like time, love, passion, and all the other important thinks, they need to be infinite.

I believe happiness directly comes from FOLLOWING your purpose. For example, take an existentialist hero, which I’m a fan of. If our purpose in life was to move a rock up a hill, he should find satisfaction in continuously rolling it up, even if keeps falling down.

It’s not how far we’ve come to our goal, it is the fact that we are pursuing it that matters.

So that’s where my crush purpose falls short. I am not satisfied pursuing this incredible woman. I want, perhaps need, something to come out of it. I’m more focused on the ends, then working toward the ends. And that is shallow and false.

So perhaps chasing girls is not my purpose in life. Which would save me a lot of hassle in staying clear and focused towards finding the real purpose. But there is still energy there. And I still believe I can access it. Now if only I could find someway to access it even when someone’s life doesn’t revolve around eating dinner with me. :)

PS, if you read this far, will you please make a comment. I know I haven’t made this website public, but knowing people are out there reading my blog really, really makes me happy (and motivated).

I am up, I am down, I am.

Love, is it powerful or not?

2006-09-12T00:07:00.000-06:00

1. There is definately energy behind love.
2. That energy seems to be a temporary state.
3. It is one of my life goals to live a life full of this energy.

So today was definately classified as a good day. Grant it, I had a runny nose, 8 hours of classes, a conference about my poor behavior in Matrix Methods, and I rode my bike home in the freazing rain.

But why was it good, because of a woman. I recieved a call back that told me that yes, she would be interested in getting dinner some time. We haven't even figured out a day or a place or any details. But there is a slight chance will get dinner, and that made me super excited. I started dancing in my room afterwards. Seriously.

Now why would such a small thing as eating dinner with someone cause such uplifting energy? Now most people will call this a crush. Now I won't lie, I have had my fair of crushes in my life, so I won't deny they don't exist. But my question I am much more concerned with is, where does this intense energy come from? Why does the fact that I am eating dinner with someone make the entire world collapse into nothingness, leaving me into a much intimate surroundings?

I don't know.

Some things I know its not is:

Physical desire, I know how that feels too, the closeness of a potential kiss, but that is completely different than this energy.

Acceptance and caring. I have so many close friends that care about me a lot, who would eat dinner with me a lot. That said, whether this person wants to go to dinner or not with me is a huge deal. Why?

Control and Manipulation. I have also felt the "pleasure" of knowing others care for me. If anything I'm running away from that. Far, far away from that. Which I will leave for another blog.

So what is this "love" coming from? I think there's another reality out there. One where we're connected, where the individual is a part of the whole. We just tend to forget about it.

So every once and a while a certain person comes around and reminds of that connection, and I feel it. It surges in me. My life pulses with the world beat, and that is a wonderful feeling.

But there is a dark side to this of course. The feeling is so temporary. I was on a high when I found out I was going out to dinner. Then it went downhill when I had to do my RA duty again. Up, then down. And I'm pretty sure love is supposed to be pernament. So what is going on? It seems this crush situation is temporary, physical.

And perhaps this is man's struggle. To go from a constant state of incredible energy. Seriously, I am able to do some incredible things in this state, like ace tests I don't study for, imporv piano I never knew I could play, and recite random poetry off the top of my head. From that state, to a state of normalcy. Back and forth, continuously.

So its kind of grim, its wonderful, but its temporary. It is like a delta function in circuits. I strongly suggest you wikipedia that if you don't know what I'm talking about. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dirac_delta_function.

But its what I'm persuing. I want to find a way to make this perfect state of mind always the case, not just for an hour. And I have a feeling I will need to do it on my own. It can't be based off of whether someone wants to eat dinner with me or not. But heh thats a start.

Bad Ads

2006-09-08T09:30:00.000-06:00

Advertising

1. People following their own, deep down desires is passion, and that is beautiful.
2. Advertisements meddle with our true desires and manipulate us into wanting artificial, man made wants.
3. Why do we listen to advertisements?

Random Fact About my Day: I saw Little Miss Sunshine last night. It is like the Odyssey but with a strange family. My friend thought the family learned to love one another through the adventure. I on the other hand, argued that, perhaps, we simply learned to understand the love that already existed in this strange family. I could see the caring from the beginning as I live in quite the strange family myself.

I often wonder if the world I live on is heaven, then I see a commercial on TV and realize that I still have a ways to go.

There are very few values in my life that remain consistent. I find one of these strong values is an severe distaste for Advertisements.

Let me define advertisements:

An advertisement is a man made media that manipulates the mind into wanting something, intentionally.

In a Zen way, I believe in today’s society (especially America’s society) needs to drift away from materialistic wants. Now if you really, really want those $200 jeans, well I support you in that quest. But the fact is, in today’s society, it is very hard to have real wants as the media fills our minds with artificial desires.

Now exactly why are man made desires so bad? Well, I would like to argue that real, innate desire is what is beautiful about life. The concepts of passion, love, and motivation all come from this inner desire., and that is what is so great about being human. We have something pushing us, something worth living for.

Well now the problem is, our deep down internal desires do not necessarily revolve around drinking Pepsi or driving Hondas.

So advertisements are designed around shifting this desire. And it works. It’s amazing how easily we can be taught to want something. Think back to when you were a kid. Do you remember a specific toy you just always wanted? Mine was Teenage Ninja Turtles. Now I did not really understand why I wanted them, I wasn’t into “pretending to fight” for hours on end. But I remember going to Wal-Mart and nearly crying if I could not get one. Why did I have this “deep down” desire? Because I saw commercials on TV telling me I wanted it.

Now just to reemphasize that example, if I had not seen the Ninja Turtle ads, what would I have desired as a child. Where would my passion lie?

You can take this dislike advertisements to a much higher level. I’m a social libertarian at heart. A perfect society for me is one where people live off of their deep down passions, not society constructed ones.

So my question is: why do we listen to advertisements? Instead of striving for world peace why do we work to buy a new car?

Love vs. Time (Round1)

2006-09-08T00:53:00.000-06:00

Love vs. Time

1. The more we love, the less control we have over time.
2. The more we attention we pay to time, the less passionate our life is.
3. With the dynamic competition of love vs. time, we are able to live a balanced life.
4. Time is required to understand how to Love, making it impossible to exist fully in love.

So to start this out, I would like to state its September 8th. I checked my calender on my computer and its official. Until tongiht, I did not even know we were in September. Today, I was writing a check, I asked the clerk what the date was, he told me the 7th, and it took me a very long while to figure out that the months have changed!

Normally, life is not like this. There are times when I am counting down the days, and waiting for the next big day. Not now. Why not? Why am I not paying attention to time?

The answer is love.

Love is way to vague, so let me specify. When you love you follow your passion. In a strong way you become what you are loving. I love math. When I am doing it, my entire existence is centered around that triple integral. All of a sudden the world disapears, my thoughts and emotions diesapear, I become one with the equation. Cheesy, I know, but it shows you what I'm talking about when I talk about love: passion.

So my passion has been on FIRE lately. I've been attending some amazing classes that ignite my mind. More importantly, I have been touching so many wonderful lives in the College Inn. Reuniting with old friends has been a highlight of many of my nights, as well. I spend my days going from one great thing to another with hardly a break.

So as you can see, my passion and love have kept me distracted and occupied. And that's exactly what happens, when we are living our lives full of love, we lose sight of the past and the future. We are surrounded by the moment. And that is quite a wonderful feeling.

So is living a love life the way to go? Perhaps. But know there are consequences:

Without time, I do not reflect on my past. Are there behaviors that I should modify? I am too distracted to tell.

Without time I do not make plans for the future? How can I enjoy my classes if I forget to sign up for them?

So as you can see, while leaving a life full of love would be amazing, its not too practical. So in practicality its best to live a life where we are focused on time and passion.

That said, Taoist texts always point to leaving a loveful life: living in the moment. If a person lives in the moment they are one with the tao, which rocks!

That said I'm going to produce a little paradox for becoming one with the tao. It's going to assume 2 things discussed.

1. We should strive to live in the moment, full of love.
2. To learn to love, we must reflect on ourselves and dedicate our time on focusing on becoming one with the moment.

This blog provides an excelent background to this problem. I write this blog to help me understand who I am and better understand my own passions. To do this I spend a lot of time thinking about my past days and who I want to be in the future. Notice lots of TIME. Also, notice this dedication to time is to help me learn to LOVE.

So to learn to love more I must have a grip on time. But if I want a grip on time, I must focus my life and not live in chaotic passion.

The closer we live in passion, the less focused we are on ourselves and our growth, making it near impossible to grow out of this stage.

Is there anyway we can learn to love that does not focus so much on time?

Perhaps if we have a love for learning to love?

The Energy of Music

2006-09-04T22:21:00.000-06:00

1. Music creates energy between us.
2. This energy is emphasized during live concerts.
3. This energy is strangely dependent on comprehending words:
4. Perhaps we should look at conversations and discussions not on the content, word level, but on the higher energy level.

Why do we enjoy going to concerts? Why would we pay $80 to listen to music that we can hardly hear or make sense of the words, have to stand for hours on end, and have a ringing tone in our ears for the next 2 days? I have an answer for this question: the energy of music.

I once attended a "edge of science" conference where a theory was presented to me: perhaps there is a common frequency among us. I'd like to extend this theory and propose that there is a common energy among us, an energy that can be brought out. When this energy is inspired, I have found that my passion increases, my awareness of my outer self transcends, and my purpose seems to be complet when this energy is tapped.

One theory I have is that music brings out this energy. In fact I once defined "love" as what my relationship is with music, that which gives me energy. From listening to a CD, playing the piano, to going to a concert I definately get put into a semi-trance when music is around me. That said, there's definately a difference in the amount of energy I get from the music. Listening to Coldplay on CD and listening to it live with 5,000 people around me is quite a different experience.

I write about this topic this week because I just went to a Motesyahu concert last night. Motesyahu is a Jewish regae rap star. As I've stated before, I don't really understand hebrew and to add to that list I do not really like reggae or rap, though Bob Marley now and then is never that bad. So here I was at a concert with 10 other kids I didn't really know (met them at Shabat) and listening to words that made sense to me. But the funny thing was that I definately got a deep sense of energy.

Now I'm going to go into some bizzare stuff that you will probably think crazy. I think you can give out a positive energy and a negative energy, regardless of whether the audience hears it. Motesyahu was clearly sending out positive vibes. I was feeling it throughout the whole crowd. I felt the uplifiting of purpose and outer self. So what is so significant about that?

I didn't know the words! The energy was not from knowing what Motesyahu stood for, what he preached, or his purpose. It came from something else. Perhaps it comes from everyone celebrating together. Perhaps it comes from Motesyahu's passion. I don't know. But this brings up an interesting thought. I can't stand most of Eminem's music because he is so negative. What if I didn't understand it at all? Would I enjoy that energy? Would I recieve it as a positive note? On the other hand what if I translated Motesyahu and found his words to be negative and demeaning. Would I still enjoy Motesyahu?

Now, if you are like me, the answers to this are very blury. I guess what I can conclude from this is actually quite significant. Perhaps words hide meaning. Perhaps we speak a global language, share a global passion and energy. Perhaps if we look past the words we will hear this energy? Try sometime to admire a conversation not for what comes out of it content wise but for the fact that it simply exists and energy is emitted.

Shabat

2006-09-01T21:56:00.000-06:00

Main Points:
1. Elliott went to Shabat!
2. He saw a wonderful community!
3. He naturally felt distant from the community.
4. This reflects upon Elliott's bigger, life goal of integrating with strong, caring communities.

So there's this thing you should know about me. I am lost. No I'm mean really lost. Like existentialist lost. And when it comes to religion, which I hold near and dear to my heart, I feel like I'm more lost than ever. So my solution this year is to try to attend some different religous orginizations and see if I can get a better community around the direction I'm headed.

Welcome to Shabat dinner! So I met this girl named Rebecca Sunshine, who is one of the most kind, fun, and crazy girls I have ever met. She invited me to go to Shabat with her. How can I say no? So the journey begins. . .

For the first part of the dinner, I felt like a spy. I tried to hide that I was not Jewish. Some guy asked me, are there many jews in Summit County. Luckily I was able to sneak past that one, as I knew the Jewish community quite well where I was from.

But man, I was out of place during service. Have you ever had a secret language or an inside joke. That builds a relationship or a community. Well the Jewish secret language is Hebrew. Most the service was singing hebrew songs. Now I don't know much hebrew, so it was kind of hard to sing along or understand what exactly was going on.

That said, I felt something that I have never really felt at any other service. There was some intense energy in the songs. I had a feeling of bonding and everything uniting when I sat and listened. It was wonderful.

In addition, I liked how outgoing everyone was. Grant it, it was the first day after Summer, but everyone was so open to me. I met so many people. I felt so at home.

After we ate dinner. I had a conversation on the beauty of the human mind with Rachel, Becca and I talked about putting grapes in noodles, and we sang some really energetic chants.

So basicly I found a really loving community, what I am looking for in a religion. I even signed up to join a group going to see a famous Jewish Rap Star on Friday! Huzzah!

But on another side, I have found such a loving, energetic, true community here, but I feel like I cannot really enter. Becca tells me that Judiasm does not really have a religious center, but more of a community center. I don't think I can enter into that community. I mean I would love to become good friends with Becca and all the others but I feel like I'm different there. I feel like I don't share the common bond. And that's really interesting, because I've never felt that (all be it I've never tried a different religion before).

I guess I feel like an observer more than a member. Now my question is, what does it take to become a member of a community? I feel like I share the same beliefs. I feel like I am open. But there is something more. It's like being a Frat pledge instead of a member.

But what I can say overall is that I have found one of the missing sides to my religious experience: community. There is such a strong friendship between the 50 students and I am quite envious.

I think this highlights a small part of my bigger struggle. Trying to work my way into something. I have always been a rogue, someone on the outside. But I now have a task before me: integrate myself into a thing I love, community.

Negativity in Philosiphy

2006-08-31T22:09:00.000-06:00

Main Points:

1. Philosiphy in general is negative as it focuses on problems.
2. Negativity lacks the insperation and creativity of life.
3. I'm going to try to shape this blog to a more positive side of things.

Note, this is a day late because a student got arrested in College Inn last night. That's the rule, if a student gets arrested, I don't write a blog. (I actually wrote one but it got deleted in the midst of action).

My mom brought up this point while reading my previous articles. They are very negative. And that struck me as odd, because I am a very positive person, probably too positive if anything. But when I write about philosiphy it's negative. Now there is the obvious reason, I'm writing at 1 in the morning and I am freaking tired. But I think there is another reason, and that's what I wanted to ponder on today. Philosiphy survives off of negative attitudes.

My theory is that religion/philosiphy answer problems. Ethics answer questions like: how should we treat the environemnt? How do we deal with immigration? The deeper questions in life seem to revolve around our lack of purpose and motivation: What is the meaning of life? How should one live a "good" life? etc. Religion answers problems of our fear: What happens when I die? Why do bad people go unpunished? How was I created?

Now these are some big questions. As a thinker, believe you me, I have thought of these a bit too much myself, especially when it comes to girls. I could write a whole book on the philosiphy of thinking about dating without actually really doing it. But I'm going to challenge philosiphy. Why should we focus on the "problems". Most often, the solutions come out of, not thought, but creativity and insperation. Perhaps if philisophy does a little more celebrating, pondering on what is good, and dancing with life, the other problems will solve themselves.

I would love to read the philosiphy of fun. How does one have fun? Now I've been asking that question since I was a kid. But it doesn't get answered because its not a problem. Perhaps if we pondered on that a little more, the rest would come together.

So I guess I'm issuing a challenge to myself and to philosiphy in general. Focus on the good. If you have a really bad day, sure, focus on it. But some time life doesn't need answers, it just needs to celebrate.

So because of my mom, I have already shifted the perspective of this blog to a positive side. I'm going to look at the good side of things. We'll see where that goes.

Sleep

2006-08-29T23:16:00.000-06:00

Main Points:
1. I like sleep.
2. Sleep can be put in the category of chaos vs. peace.
3. Perhaps I want to be tired, which causes sleepiness.
4. Sleep is a need without reason.

In the midst of chasing chaos and confusion, I seem to always be behind on sleep. I find sleep to be one of the most fascinating things in the world. It's as if we need to step outside of this world for a while before we can come back in, hopefully refreshed.

I would defiantely qualify myself as a huge proponent of sleep. I just wonder how much should I define my life by it? Should we adapt ourselves to no sleep. (My freshman year I was able to stay up till 4 all the time). Or should I live a balanced life where sleep is a strong part of my life.

I see this as being part of the bigger picture of chaos vs growth. That said, sleep is really a mental state. Perhaps I want to be sleepy? Perhaps I want to believe I am being worked hard. I will have to ponder on that some time.

But one thing I know for certain is that sleep is one of those things that everyone persues. Like food and water, sleep is a necessity. Its just so wonderful because its not obvious why we need it. A need without a rational, how beautiful.

I'm going to end with one of my favorite taoist quotes butchered up of course:

"Why is it so much easier to enter into the sleep world than leave it?"

The Beggining

2006-08-29T01:27:00.000-06:00

So you would think I would start with a bang. But I'm not. It's 1:30 in the morning and I've decided I'm going to start my new journey into philosiphy whether its with a cannon or with squirt gun.

I think its appropriate too. Everything starts in chaos. This is really no exception. In fact, I've decided this is my new battle in life. Deciding between a chaotic every changing, ever growing world and a still calm world. Parts of me want both.

Even this post is an example of that. I am searching for clarity of mind at 1:30 in the morning after writing a 7 page paper that was due at 12. My question is which side should I go. Should I aim for a life where I'll get to bed a decent hour and be effective at school? Or should I live a life meeting new residents everyday, constantly trying new things, taking risks, pushing myself.

Here is a list of the chaotic things I am persuing:

A powerful relationship with a ex-girlfriend that I keep running away from.
18 credit hour classes.
7 hours a day classes.
Being an RA for 40 residents.
Refusing to establish intimate friendships.
Trying to find what to do on the weekend.

Here is how I am trying to find peace:

Taking Spanish
Sleeping In
Taking a long shower
Listening to music
Doing my Laundry
Sleeping

But as is my philosiphy with most things: there is no such thing as a problem. I am not at battle between these two things. I have just identified a new goal in my life. I need to find peace in persuing chaos. Stillness within change. Perhaps I need to be peaceful in leaving those that love me. I need to be peaceful in working myself to death. But this is a very difficult task, as my mind is not set on persuing chaos. It is not logical. Man was meant to create order in this chaotic universe. Why am I creating more chaos? Perhaps this is the question I need to answer before I can move on. Before my writings become truth instead of confusion.

The Mind Storms

2006-06-19T22:18:00.000-06:00

The Mind Storms