The Beggining
So you would think I would start with a bang. But I'm not. It's 1:30 in the morning and I've decided I'm going to start my new journey into philosiphy whether its with a cannon or with squirt gun.
I think its appropriate too. Everything starts in chaos. This is really no exception. In fact, I've decided this is my new battle in life. Deciding between a chaotic every changing, ever growing world and a still calm world. Parts of me want both.
Even this post is an example of that. I am searching for clarity of mind at 1:30 in the morning after writing a 7 page paper that was due at 12. My question is which side should I go. Should I aim for a life where I'll get to bed a decent hour and be effective at school? Or should I live a life meeting new residents everyday, constantly trying new things, taking risks, pushing myself.
Here is a list of the chaotic things I am persuing:
A powerful relationship with a ex-girlfriend that I keep running away from.
18 credit hour classes.
7 hours a day classes.
Being an RA for 40 residents.
Refusing to establish intimate friendships.
Trying to find what to do on the weekend.
Here is how I am trying to find peace:
Taking Spanish
Sleeping In
Taking a long shower
Listening to music
Doing my Laundry
Sleeping
But as is my philosiphy with most things: there is no such thing as a problem. I am not at battle between these two things. I have just identified a new goal in my life. I need to find peace in persuing chaos. Stillness within change. Perhaps I need to be peaceful in leaving those that love me. I need to be peaceful in working myself to death. But this is a very difficult task, as my mind is not set on persuing chaos. It is not logical. Man was meant to create order in this chaotic universe. Why am I creating more chaos? Perhaps this is the question I need to answer before I can move on. Before my writings become truth instead of confusion.
