Ugh The other side of Love (Part 2)
Random insight: I am typing this blog next to a creek. A little white baby bunny came up and looked at me. I tried speaking rabbit to it, but apparently I offended it, and it ran away, but I am sure it is a sign.
1. Being attracted to someone brings us to a point of purpose.
2. With that purpose in mind, we get really, really frustrated when things don’t work and sad when the energy is not there.
3. Perhaps this is a weak purpose in general.
So I had my date to figure out when our dinner date was going to happen. And to save you from anxiety, I’m sad. The funny part is I’m sad not because we aren’t going to dinner, we are. I am sad because there wasn’t reciprocating energy. And believe you me, I think this is a pretty silly little thing to be sad about. I’m sad, because this girl does not define her life around eating dinner with me, as I seem to have been lately. Why am I frustrated on such a minute issue? Well as I’m still dwelling in this misery, I think I understand it. (It’s weird when you understand why you’re sad, puts you in a very strange position).
Remember last time how this crush of mine gave me purpose. Well, I believe it does, almost too much. Like a physical drug, I am addicted to the energy. A sense of near need is put into me to have that uplifting energy again. Now this is beautiful in the sense that I have a want, but on the other hand, its horrible.
First off, I can’t be myself around this said woman. I am just too caught up in trying to conserve and tap into the energy that my pure unwanting self disappears and leaves me with quite a mess.
In addition, I have to lie about who I am in the moment. No one wants an incredibly obsessive person in their life, so you have to hide it. And I don’t like not being me.
The most devastating part about this new “purpose” though is that I am not satisfied by the things I can’t control.
Here’s an easy example. Say your Purpose in life was to make the sky purple, which isn’t that bad of a purpose. That was it. Your happiness strictly dependeds on this. Your sense of self worth came from making the sky purple.
Your life would be horrible. You would be frustrated by the fact that you can’t do it. There’s nothing you can do. Now perhaps you can spray purple water in the clouds. But now your just taunting yourself, cause you want it all, and you are just always getting rejected by things you can’t control.
My “purpose” right now feels the same way. Oh no, this person doesn’t feel the same way I do All of a sudden my purpose to find that energy and grow is smacked down, hard core. And there is nothing I can do. So I am living a life without any success, and that’s not fun.
And thats how I feel right now. Circumstances are not in my favor, and that makes my purpose mute.
(Please note, this is exactly how I feel. Now how thinks logically will turn out are still up in the air, but the fact that there is a possibility my infinite energy will not grow is enough to devastate me.)
So I view this as a problem. Little things that are obstacles to my purpose make me sad. If said girl does not call me back or does not want to hang out with me, I will be devastated. My entire life will feel wasted because of the death of a potential relationship. Do you see the problem here? I do.
Purpose needs to be more than this. As an existentialist, I thoroughly believe that purpose needs to be self fulfilling ALWAYS. Like time, love, passion, and all the other important thinks, they need to be infinite.
I believe happiness directly comes from FOLLOWING your purpose. For example, take an existentialist hero, which I’m a fan of. If our purpose in life was to move a rock up a hill, he should find satisfaction in continuously rolling it up, even if keeps falling down.
It’s not how far we’ve come to our goal, it is the fact that we are pursuing it that matters.
So that’s where my crush purpose falls short. I am not satisfied pursuing this incredible woman. I want, perhaps need, something to come out of it. I’m more focused on the ends, then working toward the ends. And that is shallow and false.
So perhaps chasing girls is not my purpose in life. Which would save me a lot of hassle in staying clear and focused towards finding the real purpose. But there is still energy there. And I still believe I can access it. Now if only I could find someway to access it even when someone’s life doesn’t revolve around eating dinner with me. :)
PS, if you read this far, will you please make a comment. I know I haven’t made this website public, but knowing people are out there reading my blog really, really makes me happy (and motivated).
I am up, I am down, I am.
Elliott, there always must be the distinction between lust and love, passion and interest; beyond the greater ideas, however, you have to chose personally how much of either you want yourself to enjoy. Do you want 100% lust, and allow for the complete abandon of wild passion? Do you want some lust, some love? Do you not like the idea that material circumstances should weigh so much in your mind? Are you more ascetic, and wish to remove "wants" such as lust to seek out the deeper value and connection of "love"? This post seems to address the problems of either side, but which side are you ultimately trying to land on? Or, are you waiting to see which you land on, and don't really view it as a choice? IN existentialism, the bumper-sticker phrase is: "essence precedes experience", but it sounds like you're letting experience dictate your essence. Is that what you want? Is that what you're trying to avoid? Why not address these questions in addition to the narration of events that have transpired--I'd be very interested in what you'd have to say. :) thanks for posting
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